The Wall
Every morning I awoke with burning anxiety and performed like I was programmed. Everything felt scripted and the whole time I asked myself, Is this it for me? I dreamt of all the ways I could do better, but which way was the ‘right’ way? One wrong move could cost me everything. How am I supposed to know what’s best for me? This situation felt like being stuck behind a wall. But, I was raised behind the wall. I never knew anything different and became comfortable with the protection it provided. Until I realized that it wasn’t there for my protection. The only way I could ever see beyond it, was to start asking myself the ‘right’ questions.
Questions…
“Cardona!” Sergeant First Class Cameron yelled. I ran to the entrance of his office and stood with my hands behind my back in my camouflage uniform. “I need you to take a look at Lieutenant Oscar’s computer at the Caisson Stables. He’s having trouble with connecting to the internet,” he said.
“Sergeant, I troubleshooted the issue yesterday but I was unable to fix it. I contacted the network team and they said they would reconnect it today.”
“No, we can’t wait on them. Go back over there and fix it— now!”
“Roger, Sergeant.” I turned around and made my way out of the building. There’s nothing more I can do to fix it, I thought to myself. Going over there is a waste of time.
The East Coast climate is something that I had to become accustomed to. The moisture in the air made winters colder and summers hotter. A different type of hot and cold weather than I was used to in the Midwest. That morning, my mind wasn’t focused on the job. It was wandering in the clouds like most days, asking itself an endless amount of questions like: Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Who do I really want to be? What’s next for me? It was a frigid November morning that made the walk uncomfortable. I began to pass the colonial-style, brick buildings and made my way towards the stables. The closer I got to it, the stronger the scent of horse manure became.
Through the Darkness
Horses that carried fallen soldiers into Arlington National Cemetery are kept inside the Caisson Stables. Stephanie McCrummen wrote, “His ashes inside a small wooden box, the box inside a coffin, the coffin draped with an American flag and carried on a caisson pulled by six black horses” (McCrummen, 2006). Pulling these coffins to their final resting place are the horses’ daily job
I watched my tan boots move over the pavement as thoughts plagued my mind, asking question after question— without answer. Do I always want to work for someone else? My body came to a halt. I slowly looked around to notice that I was completely alone in the darkness and surrounded by bricks. The brick buildings blocked out the sun and the edge of the shadow split the pavement one step in front of me. I looked up to see the stable-building in front of me. I continued marching forward breaking the threshold of darkness and the sunlight pressed against me, instantly warming my cold cheeks. A smile grew on my face because I knew the answer to my question: nothing would make me happier than to work for myself.
Duty
I walked into the stable-building and stood in front of Lieutenant Oscar’s office as he sat at his desk on the phone. He hung up and noticed me from the corner of his eye. “Cardona, Sergeant Cameron told me he was sending you this way again. I told him you messed around with it yesterday. Does he know you talked to the network people about it?” he asked.
“Yes, sir. I let him know but he wanted me to take another look.” I went through the usual procedures of checking all the wires and connections. Then I tested some of the internal software. In my position, that was all I had the authority to do. I encountered the same issue many times and already knew how to have it fixed and already set in motion the steps to do so. “Everything seems to be the same as yesterday, but I will contact the network team again to make sure they come and fix it for you today.”
Upon exiting the Caisson Stables, I looked over at the darkened path I came from. It was the fastest way back to my office, but I looked to the other side and noticed how illuminated it was. I began my walk the long way around with only a few brick buildings on one side of me. On the other side was a large, flat grass field.
Into the Light
The sun shined over the field and made the icy grass glimmer. Next to it stood a large flagpole with the American flag waving in the wind. On that field, history was made. According to Aviation: From Sand Dunes to Sonic Booms, “The first military airplane in the world, built by the Wright brothers for the Army Signal Corps, made its first flight at Fort Myer, Virginia, in September 1908” (Aviation: From Sand Dunes to Sonic Booms, n.d). Near the same area where it took place, I began to take flight. My mind began to build on my new discovery. I began to think of different ways to start a business and be my own boss. In that moment, it felt as if the sun purified my soul, washing away all of my doubts. I knew I was finally on the right path.
Once I made it back to the office, I knocked on Sergeant Cameron’s door. He looked up from his computer and asked, “Did you fix it?”
“No, Sergeant. I took another look, and everything seems to be in order, but still no internet. I talked to the network team and they’re sending someone to check it out now.” He nodded and refocused on his computer screen.
“I noticed that you are almost done with your contract. You are going to re-enlist, right?” he asked.
“No, Sergeant. I actually plan on getting out.”
Breakthrough
My walk back from the stables was the first time I felt free of all expectations and it was liberating. I had finally taken control of my life. This turning point set me on a path that I am still on today. Before that moment I had no clue what I wanted for myself and my future. It was like I was stuck behind those brick walls for years, walking back and forth, asking myself the same questions over and over. But, something in me couldn’t stand the thought of settling and wanted something greater. It kept pushing until I was able to break through those walls. That morning, I decided for myself who I really wanted to become.
References
Aviation: From Sand Dunes to Sonic Booms. (n.d). Fort Myer historic district. National Park Service. Retrieved from https://www.nps.gov/articles/fort-myer-historic-district.htm
McCrummen, Stephanie. (2006). A life’s love, lost at war. Washington Post, The. Retrieved from http://search.ebscohost.com.oclc.fullsail.edu:81/login.aspx?direct=true&db=bwh&AN=WPT038685191606&site=ehost-live